An Inside Look...

Here's the thing...I'm a complex individual with hopes, dreams, flaws, and insecurities just like everyone else. 

What I don't think people realize is the depth of my feelings. I feel more than anyone will ever realize, emotionally and physically. It's intense, to say the least. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on the situation), I get attached to people pretty quickly, this is true not only for romantic interests, but also for friends and even my patients. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and it doesn't always serve me well, but it's one of the things I've yet to be able to change about myself, despite being hurt time after time because of it. I'm not sure I even want to change that about me. It allows me to be the compassionate person that I am. I wish more people realized just how genuine, compassionate, loyal and loving I am. I don't say that to sound conceited. It is me. It's who I am, and while I am able to control how much of it people get to see, it runs rampant inside me. It is my undoing at times, because trying to control what's visible to others becomes exhausting, but I know it would probably overwhelm them if I allowed myself to completely and totally be me.

However, in this day and age, in a world of liars, cheaters and manipulators, it's very difficult for some to believe that I could care as much as I do, or that I am as genuine as I appear. It's hard for me to open up to people about my feelings because I continue to get hurt by the ones I have allowed to see that part of me. And because of that, it is very, very hard for me to trust.

I'm in a situation now where I'm very close to allowing myself to becoming comfortable enough to open up and be myself, and I only hope, with every fiber of my being, that he realizes how hard it is for me to do so, how very special he is to me, and that he doesn't run for the hills. I just need him to be the stand-up guy I know he is and give me a chance to prove to him that I'm for real and I'm worth keeping.

Blessed

I realized today just how lucky I am.

I am a student in a medical field. It's been a long, hard road to get to where I am. Since I've started this journey, I've separated from my spouse, moved halfway across the country back to my tiny hometown, obtained a divorce, fallen in love harder than I ever have before then had my heart broken just as profoundly, gained a dozen or so new "family" members in the form of my classmates, injured my knee, missed spending time with my daughter, pushed myself harder than I ever believed I could, and now finally!!...finally: I can say that as of tomorrow, I will be able to use my fingers and toes to count how many days I have left until graduation! :)

I can't tell you how many times I complained during all these times. I know it was a lot...maybe not even to others, but also, in my head or while talking to myself. I was tired, worn out, in pain, burnt out from studying, irritated, or just plain ol' bitchy.

Today, I realized just how lucky I am. In the course of the past 6 months, I have been at 3 different clinical sites for several weeks each. The first was in a hospital setting; the second, in an outpatient facility geared mostly toward orthopedic patients; and now my last, in an outpatient setting in which I am working mostly with pediatric patients.

Dealing with infants and children has been the most challenging thing I have ever set out to do. But it was not a pediatric patient who made me realize how lucky I am. Today I was working with adult patients as my clinical instructor had the day off. It was a 34 year old woman who had sustained a brain injury 7 years ago who made me so grateful for what I have and at the same time, she inspires me to be more.

I think about this...she's not that much older than I am (almost 31). Seven years ago my daughter was almost 2, seven years ago I was unaware of where my life would lead and unhappy with where it seemed to be going at that point, seven years ago I was as healthy as I am now, for the most part. Seven years ago, she was as healthy am I was, probably more so. Seven years ago, she had a career, her whole life ahead of her. Seven years ago, her world was turned upside down. Seven years ago, she was injured in an accident that would change her life forever.

But she hasn't let any of it stop her. She has pushed herself more than any of us who take the everyday things for granted would ever believe possible for one mere human being. She has pushed herself to the highest level of recovery she can ever achieve. Yet, she is still changed. Her world is still different. And it always will be different. She will never get back that woman from seven years ago.

I am so blessed today, and every day, to have a healthy, amazing child, a healthy body (for the most part), a healthy mind, relatively healthy, loving family members, and healthy, loving friends. I am so blessed to have the most wonderful support system I could ever ask for in my family and friends, as she did. A support system that I hope would be there for me, as hers has been for her, if anything ever happened to change my blessings.

So in closing, after meeting this amazing woman and seeing how she has retained her sense of humor and her love of life, even after the tragedy that has befallen her, I have made a promise to myself to count my blessings each and every day, to live life to the fullest, and to never be sorry for myself or have regrets.