Ramblings of a Girl Up Way Past her Bedtime

I've struggled lately, questioning myself and him. I've let my own insecurities get the best of me at times. I've also been upfront and honest with him about what I need in this. And he's trying, I can tell. I'm so thankful for that.

Tonight, I went out with new friends, one of which was a male. As the night went on, this male made his interest in me quite obvious, despite me telling him previously that my heart is taken. In turn, I had to spell it out to him very clearly that I was in no way, shape or form interested in him, or anyone other than the man I love.

This whole exchange really completely solidified, in my mind, the fact that I'm in a relationship with exactly who I want to be with. He may not be perfect and I don't expect him to be, cause God knows I'm not. But he is the only one I want and I am undoubtedly, irrevocably in love with him.

I'm going to do my very best to stop questioning, worrying, and doubting everything and just start having a little faith that everything is going to be okay.

22 Years...a Blog of Appreciation

22 years ago, I was 10yo, with a broken leg. I was in a cast and on crutches. My family and I were traveling to SC to help my aunt move from an apartment into her new house.

Being as young as I was, I wasn't really expected to help much with the moving, so I was exploring the backyard. I was wearing a shirt that had a bow or something that was removable. I'd lost the bow and was trying hard to find it. I was approached by a girl about my age, who was the daughter of one of my aunt's good friends. Her name was Beth and she offered to help me look for that bow. We never did find the bow, but what we found at that moment, that neither of us could have foreseen, was a lifelong friendship.

We started our friendship as penpals after that day at my aunt's, because I lived 3 hours away, in NC. We would write to each other like we were writing in a journal, with 4-5 days of entries in each letter. As we got older, letters were combined with the occasional phone calls our parents would allow...and once or twice, the $300 home phone bill that they DIDN'T allow...oops! :-)

We continued to write to each other until we were about 16yo, as well as summer visits and vacations with each other's families (Disney World, St. Petersburg, Hilton Head and OBX).

By the time Beth went off to college (in NC! But still 3 hrs from me), I was going through a rough patch in my life and ended up spending large amounts of time at UNC-G with her.

To sum it all up, I don't know where I'd be today if it weren't for her. She has been there for me through everything, from my very first crush to having my daughter, my marriage ending, my arduous journey through college and much, much more. I'd like to think I've been there for her just as much.

All of this and we've never lived less than 3 hrs away from one another.

I am so eternally grateful for her support, love and advice (even if I don't always put that advice into use...I DO hear it lol). I am especially grateful for her right now, because she has experienced some of what I'm going through right now and she's able to help me deal with it when things get difficult or when I overreact, which I am admittedly prone to doing at times.

There is something very special about our friendship and I hope that never changes. It has truly withstood the test of time, and I hope to have her in my life for at least another 50-60 years. :-)

I love you Beth, and I thank God every day that he brought us together that day, 22 years ago, to become sisters in every way but blood.

Sometimes You Just Have to Jump and Build Your Wings On the Way Down

I write here more for myself than anything else. Today, I felt the need to write about how I've been feeling lately.

I have jumped into the unknown and it scares the hell out of me. I have uprooted my life and moved to Oklahoma...because I am in love. It's the scariest and the most exhilarating thing I've ever done in my life.

I hate the unknown, I hate big changes. Yet, this felt more right than anything I've done before. The fear I feel really has nothing to do with living on my own or making a life away from the support of my family. The fear I feel stems directly from wondering if he understands the depth of my feelings for him and if he will ever get to that point with me.

I am aware of my own shortcomings. I have trust issues, I can be very insecure, I get jealous easily though I try really hard not to, I jump to conclusions in .2 seconds sometimes. I need reassurance occasionally that things are okay, I need intimacy and affection. I know I'm not the easiest person to date but under all of that, I will do everything in my power to make those I love happy and I'm as loyal as they come.

If it doesn't work out, I know I will be okay, I know it won't kill me. God knows I've been through it before, though I've never had feelings quite as strong as these. I'm strong enough to know I will survive and life will go on. But I want this to work more than I've ever wanted anything.

An Inside Look...

Here's the thing...I'm a complex individual with hopes, dreams, flaws, and insecurities just like everyone else. 

What I don't think people realize is the depth of my feelings. I feel more than anyone will ever realize, emotionally and physically. It's intense, to say the least. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on the situation), I get attached to people pretty quickly, this is true not only for romantic interests, but also for friends and even my patients. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and it doesn't always serve me well, but it's one of the things I've yet to be able to change about myself, despite being hurt time after time because of it. I'm not sure I even want to change that about me. It allows me to be the compassionate person that I am. I wish more people realized just how genuine, compassionate, loyal and loving I am. I don't say that to sound conceited. It is me. It's who I am, and while I am able to control how much of it people get to see, it runs rampant inside me. It is my undoing at times, because trying to control what's visible to others becomes exhausting, but I know it would probably overwhelm them if I allowed myself to completely and totally be me.

However, in this day and age, in a world of liars, cheaters and manipulators, it's very difficult for some to believe that I could care as much as I do, or that I am as genuine as I appear. It's hard for me to open up to people about my feelings because I continue to get hurt by the ones I have allowed to see that part of me. And because of that, it is very, very hard for me to trust.

I'm in a situation now where I'm very close to allowing myself to becoming comfortable enough to open up and be myself, and I only hope, with every fiber of my being, that he realizes how hard it is for me to do so, how very special he is to me, and that he doesn't run for the hills. I just need him to be the stand-up guy I know he is and give me a chance to prove to him that I'm for real and I'm worth keeping.