An Inside Look...

Here's the thing...I'm a complex individual with hopes, dreams, flaws, and insecurities just like everyone else. 

What I don't think people realize is the depth of my feelings. I feel more than anyone will ever realize, emotionally and physically. It's intense, to say the least. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on the situation), I get attached to people pretty quickly, this is true not only for romantic interests, but also for friends and even my patients. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and it doesn't always serve me well, but it's one of the things I've yet to be able to change about myself, despite being hurt time after time because of it. I'm not sure I even want to change that about me. It allows me to be the compassionate person that I am. I wish more people realized just how genuine, compassionate, loyal and loving I am. I don't say that to sound conceited. It is me. It's who I am, and while I am able to control how much of it people get to see, it runs rampant inside me. It is my undoing at times, because trying to control what's visible to others becomes exhausting, but I know it would probably overwhelm them if I allowed myself to completely and totally be me.

However, in this day and age, in a world of liars, cheaters and manipulators, it's very difficult for some to believe that I could care as much as I do, or that I am as genuine as I appear. It's hard for me to open up to people about my feelings because I continue to get hurt by the ones I have allowed to see that part of me. And because of that, it is very, very hard for me to trust.

I'm in a situation now where I'm very close to allowing myself to becoming comfortable enough to open up and be myself, and I only hope, with every fiber of my being, that he realizes how hard it is for me to do so, how very special he is to me, and that he doesn't run for the hills. I just need him to be the stand-up guy I know he is and give me a chance to prove to him that I'm for real and I'm worth keeping.